How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
