New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
