awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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