found the other keg... it's in the tree
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Randomize
