so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
