Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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