Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Randomize
