my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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