come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
