Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
