The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
