You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize