glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
