Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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