If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
