He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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