the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
