i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
