i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
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