ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Randomize
