I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
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