OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
