Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
