its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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