They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
