why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
