"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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