Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
