I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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