I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
