don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
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