I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
