Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
