she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Randomize