barbara walters just said penis...
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Randomize
