Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Randomize
