I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Good cause the way I see it, we are down to DAYS left of college so we should have as much naked fun as possible. And Jenga really facilitates that.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
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