If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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