I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
