I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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