well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
So much rum. So many feels.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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