ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Sober January is a disaster.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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