I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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