I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
