I wish my penis had an off switch
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
that is very illegal...i love you.
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