The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
