you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
