The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
