Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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