bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize