That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize