Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Randomize
