Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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