i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
