So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
