The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
