Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
