is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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