I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Randomize
