Do you still have your period?
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
